Hard to be happy – bedtime disaster

Its hard to be happy when you are sick. I am at that point where I can still function but have a very sore throat and I am so tired. The kids had gymnastics, which would have meant a late night for us. I sugar coated the fact that I wasn’t up to taking them by ordering pizza and declaring it a movie night with a grab bag of chips in their future. I was actually thinking to myself how great I was doing.

Then the boys started asking if the pizza was here, mind you it was 4:15. I explained I just ordered it and that it wasn’t really dinner time yet. I called Christi, my confidant, my best friend, my bitch session. We both talk to each other while still trying to steer our children in a direction that will allow us to not be labeled crazy mean moms, they refuse to heed the warnings. After about the sixth time of ‘is the pizza here’ nice was too difficult and I snapped “what Parker, do you think I am not going to tell you when it’s here?”. He responded with “you don’t have to be so mean”. Ouch, I am a big meany, “Sorry Parker, I don’t feel well and I have already answered this question more than once”. Pizza did finally arrive and dinner went well.

Movie time! Home Alone, ahh so funny, what did they just say?? Wow the language was stronger than what my kids are used to watching. Hope I don’t live to regret this one. We had a few “sit down and watch the movie or we are going to bed” moments, admittedly I said them harshly. I was ready to go to bed myself. Made it to the end of the movie, and yes I have spoken harshly and will be working on that but we made it through pizza and a movie. Gold stars anyone??

Then it’s time to get ready for bed. YES! Oh no, Lilly is crying holding 2 of her favorite blankets and Bitty, the more she holds the harder it is for her to walk. “Sierra, can you flip the dishes, I am putting the little kids to bed” response along the lines of a mumbled “sure”. I look at Lilly then in slow motion I see it step, step, BAM, Lilly cries… then she is okay again. She lets me hold her assortment of comforts long enough for her to tearfully brush her teeth. I ask Parker to go upstairs and brush his then get Brayden’s tooth brush ready, then remind Sierra that I asked her to flip the dishes. Both requests are followed 30 seconds later with a stern “I mean now”.

Lil and I make it upstairs and Parker is dancing naked and Bray is swishing mouthwash, okay. Then it all goes south when Parker falls to the ground and Bray tried to talk and mouthwash goes down his PJs, and by the way Lilly is in the bathroom with Bitty and 2 blankets crying. “Jesus Christ are you fricking kidding me?” At this point I am apparently finding Jesus, and asking him if it’s a joke… nice one mom…

Parker is fine “back to PJs with no dancing if you will please”. I strip a tearful Brayden and turn to start the water for a quick rinse in the tub. Brayden starts wailing; I have no idea why and don’t ask. I dip a screaming Bray in the warm water and explain I am not mad and we will find a new shirt to wear. He settles in and then doesn’t want to get out. I walk past a still sobbing Lilly to bring PJs in for Bray, get him out dry him off pick Lilly up.

In the boy’s room Parker is in bed, I am sitting on the floor helping Bray get dressed with a whimpering Lilly in my lap wondering if I could really do all this without snapping. I mean really, I have already snapped more times than I could recall at the moment. Lilly crying again in my arms and the boys tucked in start asking for hugs, for some horrible reason on this night hugs are rating at an annoyance level 9. As if I didn’t anticipate they would be asking for hugs, as if hugs will be the thing that puts over the edge, what kind of mother am I. I calmly explain Lilly and I don’t feel well but still want one from each of the boys. Hugs. As I am walking out Parker asks for another hug I do my best knowing my jaw is tight.

Lilly nurses and falls asleep hard and fast. Alittle American Idol with Sierra and this day is done. I go to bed wondering if big fat meany is part of who I am or can I start to be happier and not be this version of myself that is always tired and borderline fed up. I cut myself some slack, sick mom, sick baby and no husband to help. Any mom would be a grumpy mess… right?