update on happy...

Hello, it’s been awhile. I got a bit off track of myself helpish path. I think we have had 2 more rounds of sore throats and one of kids had surgery. Everyone is okay now but as more time passed it was easier to forget my new commitment to happy. I figure a good way to recommit myself is to evaluate where I am and go from there.

1. Check my health. Made the eyes appointment and sport some very cute glasses when reading or on the computer, well at least most of the time. Sierra already wears glasses but updated her script and got contacts after begging… she doesn’t wear them. Parker also needed glasses. Went to my doctor and low and behold I am a picture of health.

2. Get Fit. April’s 5K was a big fat no go. I just had so much with medical issues with my 7 year old that I wasn’t ready, now May’s 5K is around the corner and I haven’t worked out it weeks, let alone try and run for any distance. I am super disappointed and am having a hard time getting back up on the horse.

3. Make Some Friends. I am doing better on this one. I accepted help from people who offered when Parker has surgery. I invited a few friends over for coffee and have plans for a lunch date this week. It’s hard because all my friends are moms and balancing a full load themselves but with persistence I am sure I can get myself out there more.

4. Walk away from the Facebook. I am happy to say I have not revisited my Yoville / Petville personas, however Sierra introduced me to Sim’s and I lost my mind playing that game. I never saw myself as this lame gamer type but I guess I am.

The Goals
(-) Maintain my happiness project (let that slide)
(-) Finish a 5K in April (not looking good)
(+) Keep front and back yard looking better (oh I did this... scooped poop planted flowers; I even have tomatoes strawberries and carrots growing!!)
(+-) Keep house more together (good days and bad days, not really a fair goal)
(-) Find my own interests

Lilly, my "baby"

The Resolutions
(-) Exercise more often with purpose
(+) Bath and walk Heidi more often (doing well on this one too!!)
(+) Limit Facebook time (still more than I would like but not crazy)
(+) Take care of the yard
(-) Be kinder with words (no real improvement here)
(-) Be more grateful (I don’t think I have been ungrateful but not more grateful either)
(-) Have more fun (circumstances made this one, but again certainly not more fun)
(+-) Rejoin FlyLady, and do it (joined….)
(-) Get a hobby (not only did I not get one I let the one have go. Got to get back to working out)


To Do’s
(done) File taxes
(done) Make doctor appointments for Sierra
(done) Make an annual checkup for myself and request extra time
(done) Eye appointments for the whole family
Dental appointments for the whole family
(done) Get Sierra’s volunteer hours arranged
(done) Pest control maintenance request
(done) Air conditioner maintenance request
(done) kitchen sink maintenance request
(done) Yard both front and back

Looks like it is time for a new to do list and a big improvement everywhere else.

Hard to be happy – bedtime disaster

Its hard to be happy when you are sick. I am at that point where I can still function but have a very sore throat and I am so tired. The kids had gymnastics, which would have meant a late night for us. I sugar coated the fact that I wasn’t up to taking them by ordering pizza and declaring it a movie night with a grab bag of chips in their future. I was actually thinking to myself how great I was doing.

Then the boys started asking if the pizza was here, mind you it was 4:15. I explained I just ordered it and that it wasn’t really dinner time yet. I called Christi, my confidant, my best friend, my bitch session. We both talk to each other while still trying to steer our children in a direction that will allow us to not be labeled crazy mean moms, they refuse to heed the warnings. After about the sixth time of ‘is the pizza here’ nice was too difficult and I snapped “what Parker, do you think I am not going to tell you when it’s here?”. He responded with “you don’t have to be so mean”. Ouch, I am a big meany, “Sorry Parker, I don’t feel well and I have already answered this question more than once”. Pizza did finally arrive and dinner went well.

Movie time! Home Alone, ahh so funny, what did they just say?? Wow the language was stronger than what my kids are used to watching. Hope I don’t live to regret this one. We had a few “sit down and watch the movie or we are going to bed” moments, admittedly I said them harshly. I was ready to go to bed myself. Made it to the end of the movie, and yes I have spoken harshly and will be working on that but we made it through pizza and a movie. Gold stars anyone??

Then it’s time to get ready for bed. YES! Oh no, Lilly is crying holding 2 of her favorite blankets and Bitty, the more she holds the harder it is for her to walk. “Sierra, can you flip the dishes, I am putting the little kids to bed” response along the lines of a mumbled “sure”. I look at Lilly then in slow motion I see it step, step, BAM, Lilly cries… then she is okay again. She lets me hold her assortment of comforts long enough for her to tearfully brush her teeth. I ask Parker to go upstairs and brush his then get Brayden’s tooth brush ready, then remind Sierra that I asked her to flip the dishes. Both requests are followed 30 seconds later with a stern “I mean now”.

Lil and I make it upstairs and Parker is dancing naked and Bray is swishing mouthwash, okay. Then it all goes south when Parker falls to the ground and Bray tried to talk and mouthwash goes down his PJs, and by the way Lilly is in the bathroom with Bitty and 2 blankets crying. “Jesus Christ are you fricking kidding me?” At this point I am apparently finding Jesus, and asking him if it’s a joke… nice one mom…

Parker is fine “back to PJs with no dancing if you will please”. I strip a tearful Brayden and turn to start the water for a quick rinse in the tub. Brayden starts wailing; I have no idea why and don’t ask. I dip a screaming Bray in the warm water and explain I am not mad and we will find a new shirt to wear. He settles in and then doesn’t want to get out. I walk past a still sobbing Lilly to bring PJs in for Bray, get him out dry him off pick Lilly up.

In the boy’s room Parker is in bed, I am sitting on the floor helping Bray get dressed with a whimpering Lilly in my lap wondering if I could really do all this without snapping. I mean really, I have already snapped more times than I could recall at the moment. Lilly crying again in my arms and the boys tucked in start asking for hugs, for some horrible reason on this night hugs are rating at an annoyance level 9. As if I didn’t anticipate they would be asking for hugs, as if hugs will be the thing that puts over the edge, what kind of mother am I. I calmly explain Lilly and I don’t feel well but still want one from each of the boys. Hugs. As I am walking out Parker asks for another hug I do my best knowing my jaw is tight.

Lilly nurses and falls asleep hard and fast. Alittle American Idol with Sierra and this day is done. I go to bed wondering if big fat meany is part of who I am or can I start to be happier and not be this version of myself that is always tired and borderline fed up. I cut myself some slack, sick mom, sick baby and no husband to help. Any mom would be a grumpy mess… right?

Facebook is not my friend

I somehow am a shy person who craves social connections. FB was appealing at first because I could catch up with a HS friend and a second cousin then click over and see photos of my best friend’s kids all while the kids watched a show. Then somehow I found myself getting caught up in reading everyone’s status updates. Wildly entertaining this status update things is. I fancy myself funny enough to be a standup comic, darn that shy streak, so I joined in with my witty updates about me, the kids etc…. I kept track of my honest clocked in FB time one day and it was sad, 4 hours. How did that happen, I mean 4 hours, seriously?

As always I am instantly defensive. Some of this time is spent waiting for my husband in Iraq to sign onto SKYPE, some of it was during Lilly’s nap time and some after watching TV but before going to bed. How did I let this happen? So first I gave up posting status updates, who am I to think my near 200 friends (another silly thing about FB, as if I have 200 friends) are sitting around waiting to see what I have to say. Then I stopped taking care of my Yoville persona as well as my petville monster thing that I somehow grew very attached to, poor little thing I am sure its hungry (SNAP OUT OF IT).

Well, pleasantly a few acquaintances have taken notice to my absence and although noting my absence at first felt like the ever illusive gold start for being funny it also made me realize I have become ‘you know Carrie, she is on Facebook and posts the updates all the time’. Ouch, not gold start worthy…

Now I am not going all crazy and deleting the FB account or even pretending I am not going to check it. It has become like an email account really, and with pictures. So I set private messages to also appear on my cell, like a text message, and I check my page in the morning and at night as well as my 2 current real life friends that use FB. I will do better at calling instead of “posting” as long as it’s a reasonable time to call. Besides I want friends in real life not wall posting buddies.

The Goals, the Resolutions and the To Do List

At first these 3 categories all kind of blended together for me, I think I have worked it out. Take my 5K; finishing a 5K is the goal, the resolution is to train to jog a 5K and the to do is to do it today (and tomorrow etc..). Now I am sure this will be a work in progress so things may shift here and there. The to do list is always and forever shifting and changing so I won't try to update that on the blog, its not really the point. And yes, I had to keep a few on my list that I have already done so that my list had some completion to it. I am learning this is my need for gold stars but that is a whole different topic.

The Goals
Maintain my happiness project
Finish a 5K in April
Keep front and back yard looking better
Keep house more together
Find my own interests

The Resolutions
Exercise more often with purpose
Bath and walk Heidi more often
Limit Facebook time
Take care of the yard
Be kinder with words
Be more grateful
Have more fun
Rejoin FlyLady, and do it
Get a hobby
Be a better dog owner

To Do’s
File taxes
Make doctor appointments for Sierra
Make an annual checkup for myself and request extra time
Eye appointments for the whole family
Dental appointments for the whole family
Get Sierra’s volunteer hours arranged
Pest control maintenance request
Air conditioner maintenance request
kitchen sink maintenance request
Yard both front and back

Now some are easier than others for me. If I don’t waste Lilly’s naptime on Facebook looking at things that shouldn't matter I have the time to make the appointments and call maintenance requests in. If I spend time finding my own interests I should have a hobby soon. So on and so forth. Some are harder; I am not an outdoorsy work kind of girl so the yard is not going to be a piece of cake for me. I am more often than not argumentative by nature and on the verge of annoyed, and that shows in my voice and tone, speaking kinder and being grateful will be habit changing but such a positive change. I will attempt to tackle these things, as well as others along the way.

A good weekend with good weather

So the doctor appointments are made, all but the dentist anyway. Not a fan and I am just not ready for that round yet. Still need to sit down for the ole what to ask list.

On Saturday we met friends at the Dexter playground, while the kids played Amy and I did a mile with the babies in stroller then when Lilly took a nap Sierra watched the boys and I did another mile with Heidi. Then Sunday we got out the wagon and Parker and I walked a mile and a half while I pulled Bray and Lil in the wagon and walked Heidi. In the evening I rode the stationary bike while Sierra straightened her hair, 8 miles and 600 calories later we chit chatted and hit the sack. Even today Bray, Lilly and I did 3 sets of plank for 15 to 20 seconds then 25 sit ups. It was cute.

It was a good weekend, we got outside for exercise and we played at the playground each day. I would say the weather factors into my happiness. The Saturday’s playdate was with a friend of Brayden’s whose mom is very cool. She younger than me by 8 years or so but we seem to have hit it off. I invited both she and another friend Cindy to a kid friendly dinner Wednesday night.

So far today I have also had the chance to talk on the phone with Amy and Christi. I need to start being thankful for my phone time, especially with Christi. If Christi goes back to work our daily conversations will take a hit. I just love my talk time with her, she is funny and smart.

Okay Bray is having a karate episode with a balloon... I should check on that…

Come on get happy...

Let me start by saying yes, this was inspired by the book “The Happiness Project”, no, I haven’t even read it yet. I tend to jump in with both feet and become encompassed by whatever the new thing for me is. I also burn out quickly. I hope that is not the case for my happiness project. This blog is intended for me to journal, honestly, about how I am feeling and track my attempts at finding a happier place in me.

I also would like to establish a few basics; I am happily married to a man I love, a man I find incredibly attractive, a man who values marriage as a holy union and whose commitment is stronger than anything I have known, my husband is an active father, serves his country and puts my needs above his own in everything he does. We have four healthy, strong and amazingly brilliant children who are as well behaved, if not better than, their peers. I am not depressed, I can say this because I have had a mild case of actual depression and that is much different than my ‘just not as happy as I should be’ feeling.

So I feel like I am left with A. I am an ungrateful wench B. I am depressed and don’t know it C. I am so crazy sleep deprived it has affected my brain or D. I am like most women my age who are married with children. I like to think its D. but am willing to give C. some consideration too. Oh or I could be hormonally imbalanced or I could have some kind of cancer that affects your moods... umm do you see how everything takes a negative spin…

To give myself a little credit I am four and a half months into a yearlong deployment. Rob is in Iraq for the second time, and although this seems to be a much safer deployment than the first it is still hard to be alone when you have so many to take care of. I become emotionally drained quickly because no one else is here to help handle the sibling squabbles, the melt downs and issues that arise. In all fairness to the kids they don’t have anyone else to turn to when I am obviously overwhelmed, they are stuck with me.

As much as I hate to label the kids; for the sake of understanding I do want to describe who they are as I see them now, also wanting to convey that anything negative is just age appropriate stages and we all go through them. I certainly would never want anyone, especially my kids, to feel that I would ever limit their person to a paragraph.

Sierra, the oldest, currently 15. Things seem to come easy to her, she has been successful academically without much visible effort, she is naturally attractive and she has a whit to her that on a good note will have you rolling and on a bad note can sting. She also can be defensive and can shut down in an instant. As we are finding out with the help of a wonderful therapist, we are more alike then we ever would have guessed.

Parker, the oldest son, currently 7. Parker is a comedian; oh he is a sweet and funny guy. He has a hard time knowing when to stop and I usually have to be very straight faced and stern or he won’t settle down to take me serious. I often say I can relate to what it would be like to be Jim Carey’s mother. Parker always wants to help but his weakness is that he has not mastered timing , he is also very sensitive and I feel like his feelings are often hurt.

Brayden, currently 4. I see Bray as more middle child than Parker because of Parker and Sierra’s age difference. Bray has worked through a lot of speech issues this last year and still can become very frustrated when he isn’t understood. Fact of the matter is that these days Brayden just becomes frustrated quickly in general. I think I sometimes don’t give him enough credit for how smart he is because he has a much harder time getting his thoughts out there.

Lillian, the baby, currently 17 months. So far Lilly is pretty easy. She has a funny disposition already. Her consistent things right now are that she wants to wear shoes all the time and she sleeps with a blanket and her Bitty Baby. (Thank god she loves it, that thing cost a fortune)


So enough about them, what am I going to do to get happy?? :)

1. Check my health. Even though we have free health care in the Military there is still the sitter and the time to go, and god forbid the news (negative again) so I put it off. I have made eye appointments for myself as well as the kids, and an annual exam with my primary care doctor and requested extra time to go over questions with him. Now I need to figure out all the questions…

2. Get Fit. I decided to start this one New Years with a 5K resolution and was blessed enough to find a gal who also isn’t a runner but was game to give it a go.

3. Make Some Friends. We move a lot and my best friend is not an Army wife and we don’t live in the same state. We do talk every day, and I never want to replace her, but I need to take the acquaintance thing up a notch. I know a lot of people here but have not been able to break through from PTO talk to the lunch / girls night out invite. Well to be fair I have been invited but its for stuff like BUNCO... what the heck is BUNCO anyway? So I haven’t accepted many invites and now I guess I am on the ‘don’t bother to invite’ list.

4. Walk away from the Facebook. Ugg I mean really, it’s not doing me any good to see one of my HS boyfriends is looking for a new dog, or the neighbor is playing Farmville, or the acquaintance went out with the other acquaintances and took lots of fun pictures... Just not healthy…

So I think this is a good start to my new better and happier me, I mean after I figure out what to actually do about the above listed things and if they lead to some happiness.